"Dodgy You Tube Clips......lovely jubbly"

Welcome LoTWites to the weekend edition of LoTW. If your reading this you must not have anything better to do and are as sad as me for typing it. Lot's for me to talk about and for youse not to Hail Hail about. Remember, you don't need to be logged in to Hail Hail, you can be as 'Anon' as you are at that meeting you attend on a Tuesday night. 

Now the Big Cup dream is over for another season, barring a miricle or a pack of flying monkey's attacking the incumbents of Old Trafford and El Madrigal, eating their legs, arms and heads causing the incumbents to send out their under 14 squads against us, when we would still struggle to win away from home.

But if that doesn't happen and we don't get a point from El Madrigal then why don't we just play a weakened team in the double header against Man Utd, saving the team for domestic games and bring out the full strenght XI for the 2nd leg, UEFA Vase winner takes all game in Denmark? Makes sense as we are only in the Big Cup to make up the numbers according to some.

Oor poor showing on Wednesday has had some rent a quotes coming out and having a kind off pop. Andy Townsend, a guy who is as English as Saint George but ended up being capped for the Republic Of Ireland, decided to give us this pearl of wisdom....."There is no money there and they are not prepared to spend at the next level"........and insight that is so earth-shattering Gordon Smith has called him to see how to fix the Scottish game. 

So, we have little money, we won't spend money and guys like Georgios Samaras are average at Big Cup level. It as pointless as all the callers on his and Mike Parry's Radio show.

There also could be a case of media putting 2 plus 2 together and getting 5 or that they have guessed that the Aiden McGeady getting dropped for the European game is part of a wider fall out at the club. I think we all know that Aiden and oor manager don't see exactly eye to eye but wie the same newspaper printing 3 negative stories about Celtic today and them not having any direct quotes I think we can assume it's, maybe, Boomsung.

We hope it's Boomsung as if it's not there will only be one winner if it ends up a Barry Ferguson v Paul Le Guen type fight. If it does end up a fight, is it wrong for LoTW to hope it's on TV and involves custard?

We knew this was going to happen. The tit for tat has started after the famine song incident wie some MP letting the press know that he was faxing Celtic before Celtic knew and Celtic releasing the usual bland statement. 

Celtic's bland statement doesn't do enough. It's time to get the gloves off either way. Tell us what is allowed or defend the right of the members of the support that chose to sing the songs that the authorities deem offensive.

Too football. We travel to Ayrshie to take on greeting faced Jim Jeffries Kilmarnock. When greeting faced Jim Jeffries won the manager of the month award he decided to take that opperchancity to say how great The Huns were. He also never went on a greeting faced rant when The Huns got a soft penalty against Kilmarnock, when "We know where you stay" Nacho Novo done a Jan Vennegor last week. If we had got that penalty we would have been hearing about it for 10 years.

So, we travel to face the in-form Kilmarnock who have won their first 2 home games 1-0. The only goals they have lost were at Ipox last week so the chances of a 5-1 scoreline like the last time we visited Kilmarnock are slim.

The interest for Celtic, apart from who we can blow the chance of 3 points this week, is what will oor very own Tinkerman do to the team on Sunday? Wie no injuries but surely some fatigue from the Big Cup game, going sidewards is knackering, we are expecting changes. This could mean Crosas, Hartley, Jan Vennegoor and Aiden McGeady all coming in for starts. None of these players starting weakens the team. So what will the manager do?

Wie us being undefeated in oor last 6 visits to Rugby Park, scoring 16 goals and losing 5, this should be a stick on victory. Last season it would have been but Kilmarnock are a different beast now. A slender victory seems the best we can hope for due to the Big Cup hangover.

Wie Andy Townsend mentioning lack of money and ambition it's a decent time to mention that Peter Lawell has decided to stay at CP. So, like Celtic the (Un) Sharp Suited Man has showed ambition by deciding to turn his back on Arsenal and becoming property developer in North London. The air miles and all the coffee you can drink in Munich, Amsterdam, Paris airports talking to Mr 15% who you are never going to do business wie must be a great gig.

All of Timdom rejoices at this and wonders if he will ever sign a left back.

That's it over. Hail Hails are open and the best ones may get mentioned in next weeks LoTW. We haven't had a Hail Hail of the week for a while as they have all been, well, Boomsung. Including mine. Here's to 3 points......

Forza

"The Chaaammmmmppppppeeeeeiiiiioons...pa, pa, pa, pa, paaaaaaaaaaah"

"Boooooooooooooo" (Celtic Park crowd on 93mins)

There had been a certain sense of gallusness in the Celtic support since Saturdays 4-2 win at Motherwell. The Bi-Polar nature of the win, 4 up at HT then losing the 2nd half 2-0, seemed to be forgotten and also the last time we played well in the 3-0 win against Falkirk, giving us the 2nd taste of gallusness we had this season- after passengers of XL Airlines having more chance of travelling to Europe than The Huns- before getting royally humped from The Average Huns. 

Some had seem to come to the opinion that our manager may had showed tactical genius wie his team selection for the game against Motherwell and not just stumbled into it due to circumstances. Some thought that get together wie Demento, Arsene and Jose had worked and he was now a tactical genius and that we would need to fight off midtable EPL teams wie a shitey stick for those who would court his services.

The manager proved, again, that he has form, off stumbling into solutions for his teams failings but when he believes that he is a tactical genius and a tinkerman , then, now being favourites to finish bottom of the Big Cup group is the outcome of that belief.

So last night the 0-0 draw against Aalborg BK ensured the gallusness was drowned out by a chorus of boooooooooooooos, from 'fans' and that we are now hanging on to oor UEFA Vase hopes like a one armed man hanging from a cliff wie an itchy bawbag.

Aalborg BK, who Bruce Rioch had lead to the dizzy heights of 9th in the Danish Superliga, will not frighten the French and will not frighten the incumbents of Old Trafford or El Madrigal. The next time they will cross the halfway line, nevermind get close to scoring a goal, will be when Celtic roll into Denmark to suffer the expected away defeat.

So how come we ended up being favourites to end up bottom of the goup after Demento Ferguson said that we were ...."In terms of their home results, they're probably in the top four or five clubs in Europe".... and it's statements like this that cause delusional foaming at the mouth from the 'booooooooo' brigade that believe that we only need to turn up to beat anyone at home in the Big Cup, qualification for the last 16 is a given and that Aalborg BK are a forth pot team hence are cannon fodder.

We were average last night. Missed a penalty, were kept out wie a keeper called Zaza (?), missed a few half chances, had a goal chopped off wrongly, had 61% of the possession but had 0% chance of scoring on a night where the Italian ref, Matteo Trefoloni- whom my St Vincent Street Mole was talking to on Tuesday night and the M.I.B said he was looking forward to the game as he had heard so much about CP on Big Cup nights, well he can fuck off and not come back- could have sent off 8 Aalborg BK players and we still would not have scored.

Artur Boruc never had to get his gloves dirty for the whole of the 2nd half. He will never have another as boring Big Cup night this season. At left back, Lee Naylor continued a vein of OK form but at right back, the German Ross Tokely, Andreas Hinkel, showed that he is a German, as his performance bordered on the boring, uninteresting and forgetable. Hoof, Stephen McManus, got an early booking and look as uncomfortable as oor UEFA Vase chances while his partner, Heid, Gary Caldwell proved that he is one of the inform players in oor squad and oor best defender by some distance. He also can start attacks you know....

Scott Brown, had a decent 2nd period and look like he had got a grip of himself and role he is supposed to play but Barry Robson had his worst game for us since he last played a Big Cup game for us. His straight down the middle pens are old hat and he should now never darken the spot again. That's the last 2 pens we have been awarded in the Big Cup missed. Last person to score a pen for us in the Big Cup was Kenny Miller. That's not right.

Shunsuke Nakamura, skirted around the edge of the game against a team that he would usually destroy and the Undroppable Shaun Maloney, proved he is undroppable wie a performance that bordered on good but never great. He won the pen though, which proves his worth of a starting place. He was replaced by Manchester Utd target Aiden McGeady , who seems to have fallen out of favour, came on done a few wee twists and turns but couldn't change the game, which was a hard ask.

Georgios Samaras, Scotland's top goalscorer, showed that he has the ability for these nights while maybe lacking the experience but Scott McDonald toiled and the thought crossed my mind, when I saw how poor Aalborg BK were, why did we not start wie Jan Vennegoor, who done his usual 1st challenge, 1st foul trick, then bring on McDonald for the last half hour. Why Marc Crosas didn't play some part in a game where we needed someone to unlock a workmanlike team and a game where your scouts should have highlighted that a player like Crosas was needed.

So we go onto the El Madrigal. The manager says....."We need something from the Villarreal game now"......... while bemoaning missed chances but not his team selection or his like for like subs. We do need something from the Villarreal game and we need to hope that they get struck down by a horrible plague, which renders them useless and beatable.

Aalborg BK, are the least experienced team in this seasons Big Cup. They have a record now of W1 D2 L4, in only their forth Big Cup away game they got a point. We need to hope we can learn the lessons of our last 1067 away defeats in the Big Cup.

Jesus.......Booooooooooooooooooo

Forza

"The Chaaammmmppppions.....pa, pa, pa pah!!!!!!"

Ok, the only show in town was in Monaco this week as the Champions League  draw was made in it's usual OTT stylee and we found out who would be pumping us away from home and getting a beating at Celtic Park.

The Hoops were drawn against Manchester Utd, the Champions of Europe and the 2nd time we have played them in the CL and also the second year in a row we have faced the previous years winners. I'm sure the Greater Manchester Polis will be looking forward to welcoming another team from Glesga so soon. The club reacted like this to the draw while looking disinterested and one eye on the last 16 already.

Villarreal were our foes from Pot 2. We faced them in the UEFA Vase 2004, the night Saint Martin of O'Neills team got it's first nail in it's coffin, and they were impressive last season in La Liga finishing 10 points ahead of Barca. The have a South American flavour and it's a tough, tough opening game for us. Here is a squad list and also the clubs reaction at getting drawn against Celtic Glasgow. Again they were to busy eyeing up the knockout stages to really be arsed bothering about us or the Danes.

Lady luck seemed to shine on us as we draw Scotsman, Bolton legend and Arsenal leg-end, Bruce Riochs Aalborg who put out the mighty FC Kanus in qualifying from pot 4. Karma eh? Anyway, they won the Danish title last season but have started badly this year and probably beating the mighty Kanus can be put down to luck. Lotw knows feck all about them so here's a squad list, which has a very Danish feel and LoTW ponders surely we won't be playing in a stadium that holds only 10,500?

Can we qualify for the last 16 for the 3rd year in a row? Right now, it doesn't seem likely as the away day blues seem set to continue with trips to Old Trafford and El Madrigal looking as daunting as hike up Everest. Again, we will need to win all 3 home games to have any hope and that is also a tall ask. The UEFA Vase looks the best bet and that will satisfy those who feel we need to win the thing to get it right up the huns.

The manager gives his reaction and as usual we are playing top, top sides with top, top players.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock.........

That's the sound of the Mickey Mouse Clock, goes with our Mickey Mouse League, that hangs in LoTW's Hut where this wind and pish is typed. The clock is ticking down to the close of the transfer window and the time that the 'Shitofilter' gets put back in it's box and returned to the back of the cupboard.

If we are going to be playing top, top teams we need some more top, top players.

So what's tickling the 'Shitofilter' today? James Brown is making the filter go red. Hartlepools £3m rated striker, who signed a new deal with the 'Monkey Hangers' last weekend and who is more famous for getting Jeff Stelling to do this rather than his striking ability. New contract, big bucks to move him and the chance of Strachan getting hanged on the London Road rather than a monkey means the 'Shitofilter' is at red on this one.

The 'Shitofilter' vibrates at the thought of loan deals and probably so does the SSM and Hamburg. Timothy Atouba doesn't want to leave Hamburg, Hamburg want to sell him to either Us, Newcastle or Hull City. As he hasn't had his shots to get into Newcastle or Hull, us on loan has the 'Shitofilter' at amber but with 'The Shadow Of The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde' casting a redish glow over it.

The 3rd and most unplausable rumour is £6m rated and Real Madrid target, who hasn't scored since before Easter, Steven Fletcher leaving Hibs in a cash plus Derek Riordon deal. The 'Shitofilter' is at red as us giving Hibs a shit load of cash for a promising youngster LoTW reckons went out the window with Scott Brown.

The chances of us signing anyone are getting less and less with The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde refusing to move to Birmingham. The bigman is acting like a bawbag this transfer window and this could be the 4th or 5th time he has agreed terms with clubs only not to sign. His hard as a brickshit house performance in the last 10mins against Boavista in 2003 is fading quicker than our last 8 of the Champions League hopes.

George Burley also named his Scotland squad this week for the double header against Macedonia. LoTW notices that he has named 6 Celtic players in the squad, which is quite handy when he is looking for scapegoats after the two upcoming defeats and no goals. Scotsman, Aiden McGeady has been named in the ROI squad where he doesn't get booed in the games he plays.

But enough of this. The Huns rollover the river, with their songs about the famine being over and us going home- don't they know there is a credit crunch? have they seen the price of tatties?-, for their first defeat of the season on Sunday.

Both teams have the same records this season, W2 D1, but with Celtic having injuries to Jan Vennegoor and Scott McDonald and a scare story regarding Shaun Maloney we go into the game with more doubts and questions than we did last weekend after our Brazil 1982 performance against Falkirk.

Last season every game was won by the team that scored first. In the 3-2 game it was the first time The Huns had lost a derby game when they had got in front since 1992. Last season the Huns won 73.6% of games they scored first in. Celtic had a decent 68.4% record. Both teams have dropped points after scoring 1st this season so far.

History shows scoring first is important in these games. If Celtic score first the 'Wattienaccio' will have to come out for a spell in the game to try and get an equaliser. If they score first, then we may struggle to breakdown a deep defensive unit as well drilled, but lacking in ability, unit.

After Kanus, the goodwill factor that swept over CP has all but gone, Though The Huns have spent and gambled like a blindman playing poker, they have got new faces and a new hope. Us? All though having a better squad, the injuries and the fact that we seem to be penny piniching in adding quality to the squad gives this game a dangerous feel.

As Celtic Stats points out we have won 5 out of the last 6 games at Celtic Park. We have scored 12 goals and lost 4 in the process. We should be able to gloat at them going out of Europe and win this game.

So the bonkers bet, that 'youwidbestupidtofollow', is Celtic 2-0 with Shaun Maloney scoring the 1st goal. See LoTW doesn't think Maloney is injured.

Forza