Celtic's Title Hopes Head Clydewards

It's a sad day when the biggest cheer from the home support is when Daniel 'Thuglife' Coosans was sent off for his 150th offence. The light at the end of the tunnel was in fact a train coming the other way as Jan Vennegoor- here as known as fannybaws- got sent off for a stupid kick out at Kirk Broadfoot who is the worse full back in Scotland.

Yes, after Celtic's 4-2 defeat from average R*ngers on Sunday it felt like you had been booted in the baws and the sleepless night that followed was spent worrying about how unsurprised I was at the inept performance, another to add to the list of inept performances under our manager, and also that maybe we just watched our title hopes slow marched over the river to the tune of the last post.

The day started off great. Beachballs, flying lilos and passports but it ended with the revenge of Kenny Miller who usually, and won't for a few months, threaten any bovine animals with a banjo. I hated the fact that we thought he was worth booing. He has proved to be unworthy of air as he would sell his granny for £20,000 a week and he is not bothered who he looks uncomfortable playing for. He will score in Scotlands forthcoming defeats then not score again until March.

LoTW was sitting wondering why we were 4-1 down when a fellow LoTWite said

"Disappointing eh?"

"That's a fucking understatement" I guffawed.

So, what caused that "understatement"..

The Holy Goalie once again sold another game against them. He was at fault for 3 of the goals and dispite his podgy frame was the shadow of his former self on Sunday. He quite rightly 'got it tight' from Scotlands Shame' but if he dishes it out he has to take it. He is now big enough to take it.

The 'Ballad of Lee Naylor' was so tuneful after Sundays game. The non-performance of Andy Hinkel and the foolishness of playing a right footed player at LB, which along with Boruc cost us the game, makes us thankful that Joe Doumbe will soon be leaving the Big Brother House. With no SPL or Championship LB deciding to grace us with their not so graceful game, we have to make do with the pig ears we have.

'Heid and Hoof' had not too bad games despite getting a beasting from a thug in blue. Still losing 4 goals at home means that they have to be held cupable to some degree. Hanging maybe?

The midfield turned up and didn't do much. Paul Hartley, was on the park and went about his job but was faced with better performers on the day while Scott Brown continued his threatening behaviour, which may turn into a performance one day. Barry Robson came on and done nothing much. But he must be wondering how Scott Brown continues to get a game before him and Marc Crosas must go to sleep having nightmares that he has ended up at Celtic.

Another 'Glesga Derby' bypassed Nakamura like the M74 and Aiden McGeady will have to get his arse out of Kirk Broadfoot's pocket, he is still the worst full back in Scotland despite him having his best game for eons, before we play next. 

Up front, Shaun Maloney flitted in and out the game while Georgios Samaras now cemented his place as the 1st choice striker with his 3rd goal in 2 games and his hold up play was better than it has been. Ben Hutchison came on looking unfit and ballooned a late chance into the Jock Stein Stand.

We had too many passengers on the day. Too many players just turned up and went through the motions and our manager one again proved that when the chips are down he can't or doesn't have the guts to change it. As I said earlier, I fully expect other inept performances this season when our 'right good players' go missing. Our manager has to find the solution to this problem. Hell, he has only had 3 years to find it.

Sunday is just a blip in the bigger picture.

LoTW wasn't expecting us to sign the earth. In fact, I laughed out loud when I read the 'Moonbeams' of Pavlyuchenko and Darren Bent. The long ball game that we partook in with Tamas and Basa didn't annoy me as I understood that we had to get value for money and that the Mr 15% were chancers but I trusted the SSM.

How wrong was LoTW. The SSM should have a new moniker. The USSM. The Un-Sharp Suited Man as this transfer window he has either not done his job correctly- signing quality players at a reasonable rate and getting rid of deadwood- or he has been let down badly by the moneymen- whose aim is just to stay just ahead of The Huns and make up numbers in the Champions League- and has been trying to do deals with one hand tied behind his back and using marked cards when he sat round the table.

Whatever we deserve answers but we won't get answers as we are only the customers.

Last week, when paired against Man Utd, Villarreal and AaB, the USSM said

"Time is now against us but you never know what can happen in the last two or three days of the window. Our mission is to strengthen so let's wait and see what we can do."

I reckoned that running around in the last few days of the window for any sort of player is something I hoped we wouldn't be doing, if we were even looking, which I don't think we were. The article states that we spent nearly £7m quid this summer....I think it's closer to just over £5m and  as for strengthen......

Our signings this summer are Paddy McCourt for £250,000, now i don't reckon we will see Paddy until he rolls out for Hibs in 18 months time. Next up was Georgios Samaras, a player we knew about 3 seasons ago (before we signed Jan Vennegoor) and who we had on loan last season. £1.2m secured his services when we realised that 1) He was cheap 2) He was cheap and no-one else was as cheap.

Then came Marc Crossas, a player that we signed via a DVD, another scoop for our scouting system, from Barca for £450,000. Up next was Glenn Loovens for £2.5 who was scouted extensively for 2 games in the Algrave, after The Huns pointed us in his direction and  Tamas/Basa said they wanted to much money, cocaine or a bookies account.

Finally came Shaun Maloney, a player we sold then chased for 18 months to bring him back. We brought him back for around a £1m. I make that £5.35m approx. And for that money we only have one player that improves the first team right away.

Not one of them a left back...not even a 'Ballad of Lee Naylor' type left back.

The manager was more telling regarding the summer inactivity he said..

"Things have not materialised the way we would have liked."

..with that he either means the players he targeted didn't want to come or he didn't have the money to buy these players unless he sold players to fund moves. The saga of Bobo Balde proves, to me, he needed Balde of the wage bill to get players in.

Then this story appears regarding Jan Vennegor. We were willing to sell one of our big game players and not give us time to buy a replacement. Was Vennegor the big wage casualty since Bobo wasn't going anywhere? Some assest management that. Sell a first teamer because a reserve wouldn't move.

This summer has been the most disappointing since Seville. We have not added to the quality of the first team, we have not got rid of the squad players and deadwood and dispite being in a position of power we have failed to bury The Huns of the park.

Day's like Sunday, watching the blight on society celebrate, could become more common if the management don't get it right from now on in.

Ah, but feck it.....lets hang on the phone for 40mins for our Champions League package like the lemmings we are. By tomorrow I'm sure I will think Mark Wilson will do at LB....

Forza

"The Chaaammmmppppions.....pa, pa, pa pah!!!!!!"

Ok, the only show in town was in Monaco this week as the Champions League  draw was made in it's usual OTT stylee and we found out who would be pumping us away from home and getting a beating at Celtic Park.

The Hoops were drawn against Manchester Utd, the Champions of Europe and the 2nd time we have played them in the CL and also the second year in a row we have faced the previous years winners. I'm sure the Greater Manchester Polis will be looking forward to welcoming another team from Glesga so soon. The club reacted like this to the draw while looking disinterested and one eye on the last 16 already.

Villarreal were our foes from Pot 2. We faced them in the UEFA Vase 2004, the night Saint Martin of O'Neills team got it's first nail in it's coffin, and they were impressive last season in La Liga finishing 10 points ahead of Barca. The have a South American flavour and it's a tough, tough opening game for us. Here is a squad list and also the clubs reaction at getting drawn against Celtic Glasgow. Again they were to busy eyeing up the knockout stages to really be arsed bothering about us or the Danes.

Lady luck seemed to shine on us as we draw Scotsman, Bolton legend and Arsenal leg-end, Bruce Riochs Aalborg who put out the mighty FC Kanus in qualifying from pot 4. Karma eh? Anyway, they won the Danish title last season but have started badly this year and probably beating the mighty Kanus can be put down to luck. Lotw knows feck all about them so here's a squad list, which has a very Danish feel and LoTW ponders surely we won't be playing in a stadium that holds only 10,500?

Can we qualify for the last 16 for the 3rd year in a row? Right now, it doesn't seem likely as the away day blues seem set to continue with trips to Old Trafford and El Madrigal looking as daunting as hike up Everest. Again, we will need to win all 3 home games to have any hope and that is also a tall ask. The UEFA Vase looks the best bet and that will satisfy those who feel we need to win the thing to get it right up the huns.

The manager gives his reaction and as usual we are playing top, top sides with top, top players.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock.........

That's the sound of the Mickey Mouse Clock, goes with our Mickey Mouse League, that hangs in LoTW's Hut where this wind and pish is typed. The clock is ticking down to the close of the transfer window and the time that the 'Shitofilter' gets put back in it's box and returned to the back of the cupboard.

If we are going to be playing top, top teams we need some more top, top players.

So what's tickling the 'Shitofilter' today? James Brown is making the filter go red. Hartlepools £3m rated striker, who signed a new deal with the 'Monkey Hangers' last weekend and who is more famous for getting Jeff Stelling to do this rather than his striking ability. New contract, big bucks to move him and the chance of Strachan getting hanged on the London Road rather than a monkey means the 'Shitofilter' is at red on this one.

The 'Shitofilter' vibrates at the thought of loan deals and probably so does the SSM and Hamburg. Timothy Atouba doesn't want to leave Hamburg, Hamburg want to sell him to either Us, Newcastle or Hull City. As he hasn't had his shots to get into Newcastle or Hull, us on loan has the 'Shitofilter' at amber but with 'The Shadow Of The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde' casting a redish glow over it.

The 3rd and most unplausable rumour is £6m rated and Real Madrid target, who hasn't scored since before Easter, Steven Fletcher leaving Hibs in a cash plus Derek Riordon deal. The 'Shitofilter' is at red as us giving Hibs a shit load of cash for a promising youngster LoTW reckons went out the window with Scott Brown.

The chances of us signing anyone are getting less and less with The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde refusing to move to Birmingham. The bigman is acting like a bawbag this transfer window and this could be the 4th or 5th time he has agreed terms with clubs only not to sign. His hard as a brickshit house performance in the last 10mins against Boavista in 2003 is fading quicker than our last 8 of the Champions League hopes.

George Burley also named his Scotland squad this week for the double header against Macedonia. LoTW notices that he has named 6 Celtic players in the squad, which is quite handy when he is looking for scapegoats after the two upcoming defeats and no goals. Scotsman, Aiden McGeady has been named in the ROI squad where he doesn't get booed in the games he plays.

But enough of this. The Huns rollover the river, with their songs about the famine being over and us going home- don't they know there is a credit crunch? have they seen the price of tatties?-, for their first defeat of the season on Sunday.

Both teams have the same records this season, W2 D1, but with Celtic having injuries to Jan Vennegoor and Scott McDonald and a scare story regarding Shaun Maloney we go into the game with more doubts and questions than we did last weekend after our Brazil 1982 performance against Falkirk.

Last season every game was won by the team that scored first. In the 3-2 game it was the first time The Huns had lost a derby game when they had got in front since 1992. Last season the Huns won 73.6% of games they scored first in. Celtic had a decent 68.4% record. Both teams have dropped points after scoring 1st this season so far.

History shows scoring first is important in these games. If Celtic score first the 'Wattienaccio' will have to come out for a spell in the game to try and get an equaliser. If they score first, then we may struggle to breakdown a deep defensive unit as well drilled, but lacking in ability, unit.

After Kanus, the goodwill factor that swept over CP has all but gone, Though The Huns have spent and gambled like a blindman playing poker, they have got new faces and a new hope. Us? All though having a better squad, the injuries and the fact that we seem to be penny piniching in adding quality to the squad gives this game a dangerous feel.

As Celtic Stats points out we have won 5 out of the last 6 games at Celtic Park. We have scored 12 goals and lost 4 in the process. We should be able to gloat at them going out of Europe and win this game.

So the bonkers bet, that 'youwidbestupidtofollow', is Celtic 2-0 with Shaun Maloney scoring the 1st goal. See LoTW doesn't think Maloney is injured.

Forza

 "Hun Baiting, you say...."

So, LoTW went to "The Best League In The World" and the only difference was you could get a pint in the ground (which was nice), spotty baseball capped Herberts trying to attack the away support (you never see that in Scotland now) and Fernando Torres. Apart from that, I could have been watching an SPL game.

But the "Torres Bounce" from the scousers was worth trip alone and Robbie Keane is no better than Chris Killen. We saved ourselves a few bob there, LoTW mused as 'Keano' laboured round the park.

I'll start with Glenn Loovens and his quote about joining Celtic. He said while flicking the"V" to all at Ibrox...

I had the choice of Rangers and Celtic and it was a hard decision to make,But the chance to play in the Champions League is what swung it for me. It's a stage every player wants to grace.

....yes, the European carrot is a factor but, again, like so many times in the last few seasons when Celtic and The Huns go head to head for a player and Celtic really want that player, Celtic get that player. This is another sign of Espanyolfication and being ManCiteefied.

The manager was at his jesting best when he mused this on Friday....

"If I wanted somebody far better than Mac [McManus] and Gary [Caldwell], I'd have to pay £15 to £20 million. That's not going to happen.

....nor is someone paying £15m for Mick and Caldwell. Caldwell has been our best defender for the last couple of months, he probably has shown more captain-ness than Mick, but Mick is the club captain and thus undroppable a rod GS has made for his own back.

We have paid big money for Loovens and that usually means that player pays judging by the managers past record. For me Mick would be the one to drop out as last week him and Naylor were very weak on the left handside of the back 4.

The usual pairing will be together at Tannadice this afternoon. With Naylor and Hinkel their other partners in crimes against defending we could be in for a tough afternoon against a Dundee Utd side who will be looking for a boost after being defeated by table toppers and relegation favourites Hamilton Accies.

Last week on the "This Week In Football" podcast ( I am on around 24mins in ) I predicted both Dundee Utd and Motherwell to have great seasons. Like all LoTW predictions this has went pear shape with Motherwell losing their first 2 games and hopefully Dundee Utd losing their first 2 games also.

Added to what the stats says, Celtic unbeaten in 8 and Dundee Utd not won in 4, then the hands of the ghods point to a Celtic victory. But, we were terrible last week and we have dropped points in an early away game in all of GS seasons in charge. And this could quite easily be this seasons.

But...for the Bonkers Bet, a bet 'youwidbestupidtofollow', I have looked in the crystal ball, a murky bit of tat that is kept in the cupboard under the stairs, and decided that since Jan Venegoor has scored on his last 2 visits to Dundee, both from corner kicks from the right hand side, that today he will score with a 30 yard rocket. 

So 1-0 Celtic with Hesslelink scoring the only goal.

Anyway, enough of this. Let's talk about the important news that sport of 'Hun Baiting' is now banned in Scotland and you get a kickin' when your out with your mates if you decided to do it. Unless your mate is top 'Hun Skelper' Darren O'Dea who will bash a few attackers and Scott Brown will take the blows meant for you.

Some lesser Celtic sites say the infamous "Battle Of Bamboo", which occured last Sunday night was caused by Aiden slagging The Huns in the dressing room after winning the league. The clip, which has now been removed from You Tube, was braodcast on the "From Boy To Bhoy" documentary.

LoTW, fears now that superb sport of Hun Baiting is now banned and all Celtic fans better watch out if your out today and decide to partake in a bit of Hun Baiting. You may not have an O'Dea or Brown to save you. LoTW says careful now.

Mon The Hoops.

Forza

Available At All Good Hun Shops 

"I just walk right through the door...."

Does anyone else think, that watching men in short Speedos diving from a 10m board is wrong?LoTW has decided that it is and using the excuse that you were laughing at 'Team GB' coming last, again, for being late for work (my real work) is as believable as gathering a group of 'loyal' fans and telling them your best player- we can all now admit he was a player- won't be sold while ordering them a taxi.

So the Espanyolification continues as The Huns decided to sell Carlos Cueller to Aston Villa for 10m Euros. So we thank Carlos for the music, well not the music but that hand ball, which led this classic commentary that is a Celtic legend.

That hand ball also, maybe, cost them the league so we thank the 27 year old brace wearing Ugly Betty lookalike for this and also for giving us the biggest laugh since Michael Mols signed for The Huns and brought his mum along for the photo shoot.

As The Huns tried to blame the player for invoking the "Ifwegetputoutofeuropeyourgoing" clause and trying to 'moonbeam' the press with stories of pay rises, the ghost of Boumsung was lurking in the background as Carlos and his pet goat, Scape, wandered towards the Midlands...

While, questions should be asked why Saint Martin Of O'Neill has decided to give them money to 're-invest' in the squad- or sign the targets they couldn't afford- an esteemed contributor to the LoTW Hail Hails, Pujol- who is number 10 in the list of top 10 contributors to the Hail Hails- , summed it up, with the Hail Hail of the week.......

Just when you thought Birmingham couldn't get any uglier, Aston Villa go and sign Cuellar! Not "Hasta la vista" but "Adios Carlos"!!!!

That really should win a prize. I think Hail Hail of the week could be a feature, if LoTW gets any decent comments.

So what would really piss of The Hun hoards even more than their best player leaving? What about Celtic signing a Glenn Loovens a long term target of theirs in a show of GetItRightUpYou-Ness not seen since Scott Brown left salt and sauce land (Edinburgh for those not from Scotland).

Now, long term-and seeing past this a GetItRightUpYou to The Huns- this signing brings our scouting and the supposed transfer target list into question. We have already signed Marc Crosas on the evidence of a DVD and now we sign a player no-one heard of until R*ngers were linked and he had a decent game against us.

We might have known about him before but.....evidence of this summer points to Glen Loovens being a Plan Z signing after all our other targets decided not to come. Tamas, Basa and Mudlung have all been muted and all have a higher pedigree than Loovens. This seems to be left to chance and another punt and a lot of money at that for a punt.

Suppose, it could be worse. Next on the list was Lee Wilkie- I saw on another messageboard Mudlung described as the German Lee Wilkie- so we should welcome Glenn, if he signs, and hope he scores more goals like this.

For a closer view of The Loovenator I wandered over to The Best Cardiff Blog On OleOle and stole a quote....

"The fee mentioned is around £3 million which would be good money for a Championship centre back"

The ballad of Lee Naylor is being played on a Banjo after that bombshell.

But....we have signed a bloke from Barca. Xavi, the guy that kept him out the team, say's Barca will want him back after a year, he also said, inbetween wondering who would clean his boots now,....

'I would say this is a kid with a winning mentality and great control of the ball. Crosas has perfect vision and an offensive game and he creates many chances for the strikers. I believe that Celtic have closed a perfect piece of business.'

Marc Crosas himself- after he had woken up from being drugged, gagged and bundled into a van by John Reid's henchmen after looking for a 'Carlos Clause' in his contract on Sunday, after 35mins of watching us against St Mirren- slurred.....

'This is a fantastic opportunity for me. All the midfield players who are at Barca are compared to Xavi or Guardiola, but every player has different characteristics. What I have to do is not show that I can be compared to those players, but that I can play at a good level in my own right for Celtic.

Whether or not the manager plays the new Xavi on Sunday is anyones guess. I think Falkirk next week will see him get some game time but who he will replace is the big question. One, that I can't answer just now.

Again, LoTW used the contact list in his wee black book and spoke to my Barca mole, who gave me this piece of gold....

For €500,000, Celtic have got an absolute bargain. For Crosas too it is an excellent opportunity as competing against the likes of Xavi and Iniesta he was always going to have an uphill struggle to break into Barça's midfield. I've probably only seen Crosas play about ten times but he always looked a good prospect.

I think we will all agree this was worth the £10 I paid for it.

Remember LoTW is running it's own fantasy football league with a great Celtic related prize to the winner. League name is LOTW Super Lager Division 1 and password is Bolloxs.

All the gubbings I steal to make up this shit are on the Celtic Home Page and if you want to contribute some newsworthy stuff submit a throw in and ensure you tag it as Celtic. Also if you want to contact LoTW to tell me I'm a bawbag go to here and leave a comment or message.

Forza

"I am francisco vasquez garcia"
 

Celtic started their quest for '4IAR' with a swashbuckling, attacking performance, which conjured up memories of Brazil 70 for the aulder 'fans' at the game. The 1-0 scoreline, flattered St Mirren and they were lucky, after a few near misses, that the MIB (Man In Blue) took pity on the Hoops, forgot his 'brief' not to award Celtic pens, unless a decapitating or attempted murder is involved, and gave us a stonewaller none the less.

The pen was dispatched by the impressive Barry Robson who must be in the running to replace Barry Ferguson (8) in the Scotland team....Our manager was impressed saying....

"It was like the watching a great Hungarian side....."

Aye right, it was mair like watching the Blue Brazil or Honduras.

LOTW, joined the other couple of thousand leaving Celtic Park at the end of the game (the other 56,000 had left with 10 mins to go), with the thought that the grim reality of poor final balls, sloppy full backs, ponderous midfield play and suck it and see tactics were back to annoy us.

The post-Kanus feel good factor lasted all of 15mins before the moans started. Of course, St Mirren don't know the rules that they are not allowed to have the ball at Celtic Park let alone get a corner or have a shot on goal. Not, that Celtic did much to stop these moans.

In fact, only 3 positives can be taken from yesterday's game. The final whistle, 3 points and that The Huns are even worse than us.

The winning goal summed up the day. Usually at this point I would have a wee link to the goals and highlights but......all have disappeared from the Tube that is You. Anyway, we got a pen that never was a pen- if anything Big Jan Vennegoor just made an arse of the chance- and Barry Robson blasted a rocket down the middle that hit the goalie and just bounced over the line.

We can expect the inquest to the penalty award to last months. Well, at least until one of our players gets decapitated or murdered in the box and it gets waved away. Then we will be told that it all evens out over the season. 

The way the penalty was dispatched summed up Barry Robsons day. Started of well enough but faded when Hartley and Brown became more involved. Robsons performance has usual workrate and energy but lack finesse. The likeable Tuecther proved that he hasn't got the pace or ability to play out wide. He needs to be involved in the engine room.

Paul Hartley and Scott Brown done well in that engine room with Hartley being a stand out, which sums up our day when our defensive midfielder is a stand out and Scott Brown gave a hyperactive performance in spells. Aiden McGeady better get used to being in crowded situations and for the sake of the team LOTW suggests that he doesn't wash for a few weeks to ensure that nobody will want to go near him cause of the stink. 

Skippy was weighed down with the weight of his arse and the number 7 and the expectation that brings. Following Magic Zurawski is a hard act. Skippy was that far of the pace he could have been playing in a different game. JVOH worked and eh, done not much else.

At the back, the left handside of the back 4 was as close to being terrible as they could have been, which is some feat considering Lee Naylor had his best game for at least 15 months. Even then it didn't reach any passable mark. Add to that, undroppable Mick McManus is still as rusty as an auld Vauxhall Viva means that a decent side could have got joy from that pairing.

On the right handside, Hinkel continued his impersonation of an ex-German internationlist winding down his career and thinking about punting his caps on E-Bay to top up his pension and Gary Caldwell continued his re-birth as a decent looking centre back.

The subs didn't have anytime to make an impression, as per usual, so to give them a rating or abuse or praise would be wrong.

The manager reverted to a 442, which he said he would, but as I said we don't mind a 442 if it's not square pegs in round holes. The game was crying out for change and our manager thought so as well....

 "......we didn't bother, because it was sucking the life out of us on the bench, that game,"

.....maybe, a change to a 433 would have put the life back into the game or playing players where they are best, but what does LOTW know?

He agreed it was gash though and how can we argue with a manager that has won 3IAR and has been proved right maore times than Carol Vorderman.....he said

We had four good players. The team performance wasn't as good as expected. It doesn't feel like a win because we should be doing better than that."

LOTW, along with all the other 58 odd thousand say hosannah and the mass burning of season books is put off until at least September until we see if we can sign anyone that will improve the 1st 11.

Talking of signings Marc Crosas completed his move yesterday from Barca but we have unconfirmed reports that he left in a blacked out van after 35mins shouting "What the fuck have I done" while John Reids henchmen, bound, gagged and drugged him to ensure he woke up in his new abode in Newton Mearns and didn't remember anything of the last 24 hours.

The SSM, dusted down his good work and boasted to the press.....

"We have always had the thought that this formula could be successful. So we have looked at Crosas. Hopefully it makes a lot of sense. Not only with Barcelona but maybe with other clubs too.

.....so, have any other clubs got any young players that we can take? Anyone? Have East Stirling got a left back going spare?

After the first 90mins of the season, LOTW wouldn't mind us signing the whole Barca reserve team, right enough....

Now, Fantasy Football. Get yourself logged on and join the LOTW Super Lager Division 1, follow the instructions 'How to join a mini league' and join today. League name is LOTW Super Lager Division 1, and password is Bolloxs.

There seems to be some problem with the joining of this league. Just keep on trying and I will report to OleOle.....any changes to registration I will post on my profile page. 

Also, the Celtic home page has all the gubbings I talk about in the 'Throw In' section- which you can update and contribute, players profiles, videos and blogs, you can also join the 'One Star Means More group', a group celebrating one is better than five.

It's your page....use it.

If you wish to contact LOTW, leave a message on the profile page and I will get back to you if I can be arsed.

Forza

Thanks to The Green Brigade for the picture.

"Too many Florence Nightingales...Not enough Robin Hoods."

Pre-season is over. The games that are akin to, two men fighting in foam sumo suits are done with and tomorrow, at 12:30pm, our bread and butter is served. Pre-season yielded, 3 wins, 3 defeats and 2 draws. It lacked performances and you can count on under half a hand the number of pluses that can be taken from the games.

But before LOTW gets to the preview lets pick holes in the transfer merry-go-round. The Celltic Beta-max video player, last used by John Barnes to watch Brazilian porn, has been burning the midnight oil and it 'looks' like Marc Crosas will be our 3rd signing of the most boring summer in the world EVER!

Our manager backs his judgement on video evidence as a gamble. He say's...

"I've just seen video tapes of Crosas. I don't think many of us have seen him live. On what we have seen on the tapes and references we have heard from other people, it is well worth a gamble for £400,000,"

It's great to see our scouting network has not got above recieving videos of blokes and us making a decision on what we see. LOTW hopes Crosas is not fit for glue and only has 3 legs like most of the nags LOTW gambles on. Does this revel that the database of players is just shite and we do leave things to chance?

Anyway, Sky Sports News ran a story regarding Marko Bassa and Gabriel Tamas. Once LOTW had stopped hitting his head of a wall I read said story and both are not coming. I'm fed up of these two being mentioned. If any of them sign they better be as hard as trying to get shite from a rocking horse.

Also, they were unconfirmed reports last night of a 'Manintheknow' wandering around Glesga last night shirtless, after stating his nice Marks and Spencers white short sleeved shirt that Shaun Maloney would be signing by Friday.

Well, as far as LOTW can make out, wee Shaun wasn't seen waving his wee short arms and reading a prepared statement bemoaning his decision to become 'LiamMillerfied', much to LOTW's disappointment.

To the big one. How do we go about winning 4 in a row- which shall be known as '4iar' from now on- and do we have the skills to pay the bills to ensure this happens?

Before the Huns decided to take thier Espanyolification to new levels and continued thier quest to be 'ManCityfied' before 2010 with thier defeat in midweek to Hearts feeder club, LOTW predicted at the end of last season that our target should be over 90 points for this season.

This is now a must. No matter how poor R*ngers are, they have enough to get points from most teams and without Europe to trouble Novo, Broadfoot, Weir and Miller they will, or should, be able to give us a run for our money.

For us to get over that 90 points mark we must improve our home form. We dropped silly points last season and we really need to get a few teams skelpped at Celtic Park to ensure the fear factor returns.

St Mirren drew last Decemeber at Celtic Park and also gave us a fright at Love Street. They didn't lose many goals last season and have added players in the close season to try and improve thier goals for stats. Since thier return to the SPL they have been beaten twice and drew once at The Home Of The Champions losing 8 goals and scoring only 2 in the process.

Big Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink is our top scorer against St Mirren, with 3 goals at home, and the big mans pre-season form means that he could be a decent bet to score against them again. He had his fare share of abuse last season but the bigman scored a few important goals in the run in and showed he was a big time player for us.

Confidence seems to be back and he was captain for a few pre-season games, showing how highly regarded he is in the squad, so I think another 20 goals is the least we can expect from Jan. If not, then he is a lazy basturd who couldn't lace John Hartson Boots.

As well as being a big season for Jan, we have to see if Scott McDonald and Barry Robson are not just flashes in the pan. Second season syndrome may come into play with them and they may struggle and revert to SPL average type.

Scott Brown. £4.4m. A nark for Hibs. Should be a nark for Celtic.

Pre-season also saw the emergance of Paul Caddis as a contender. With our hapless transfer business not being complete it's hard to see where he will be, in squad terms, by the 1st September.

Right back instead of Hinkel is on mosts wishlist.

Since we are going into this game with the same team and the same formation as our manager told us...

We tried one or two things abroad and that will help us in our own European campaign, but we will play 4-4-2 against St Mirren on Sunday. “I think fans like us playing that way and we feel comfortable that way.

......unsure about us feeling comfortable playing that way, esp when we play midfielders out of position just to keep that formation, but LOTW has no concern about the guys and formation that won us the league getting the cance to start of the new season.

Until we sign better players, then they can all get tae fuck to Burnley and Preston.

So, LOTW's bonkers bet has returned for the new season. First 'youwidbestupidtofollow' prediction is...

Celtic 3-0 and Hesslelink to score first.

Now, to the bit you should be bored off but a word from my sponsors.

Fantasy Football. Join up as there is great prizes and LOTW has a mini league, which has been donated a prize for a winner!!!! Join up and follow the links to 'Join a League' and the league is called LOTW Super Lager Division 1 and password is Bolloxs.

There seems to have been a small problem but it looks like it has been solved by people in white coats, glasses and who are virgins.

Also, the Celtic home page has all the gubbings I talk about in the 'Throw In' section- which you can update and contribute, players profiles, videos and blogs, you can also join the 'One Star Means More group', a group celebrating one is better than five.

It's your page....use it.

If you wish to contact LOTW, leave a message on the profile page and I will get back to you if I can be arsed.

Forza

"I'm working on a cocktail called 'Grounds For Divorce'"

So like all other Timternet blawhards, the news that Gabriel Tamas went home without sealing the deal was blow. A lot of 'trusted' sources lost thier houses after staking thier mortgages that is was a 'done deal'. Sounds like the deal was done but Celtic have pulled the plug.

This was a long running saga, which reeks of stale beer and pish. Due to the nature of non-leaks coming from The Holy Ground even the usual men 'intheknow' are being coy now with what they are spouting. The LOTW 'Shitofilter' has had to have had a MOT to ensure only the best gets through.

Remember a few weeks back LOTW announced that Sammy and Shaun Maloney would sign? Well, Shaun could be here for the flag day if Saint Martin Of O'Neill comes to his senses, which he seems to have lost this summer with his rantings over Gareth Barry and Liverpool, and sends Shaun back with his tail between his fat arse cheeks.

But....after Tamas, don't trust the messenger. I mean, LOTW paid good money to a Romanian Mole for the lowdown on Tamas, which is now useless. He has now paid him good money for the take on Marko Bassa, which also now seems useless. Two CB's down and LOTW fears that Zander Diamond is coming into view...

Still, the news broke to us by Celtic Offside that a deal between Celtic and Barca had been struck for Marc Crosas. Bit of confusion concerning the deal but it seems around maybe £700,000- with only £400,000 up front- in total dependent on appearances and titles with Barca having a buy back clause for £1.65m in 2010 and also a % of any other sell on fee.

Bemused why this signing is causing so much excitment. Untried player, nominal fee and very young. Smells of Evander Sno or at worse another Massimo Donati. Seems to be Timdom is expecting big things from a player we shouldn't really be expecting big things from.

Also, the fee is hardly us breaking into the transfer kitty, which is around David Bentley's torso.

Our pre-season ended last night with a 1-1 draw against The City Of Manchester. The impressive Martin Petrov exposed the unimpressive Andy Hinkel to opening the scoring, then Paul McGowan scored a deserved equaliser for The Hoops with 10 minutes left. We could have stole it at the end but that would have been harsh on the stuffy, hardworking and well organised Citee side.

For once in pre-season we learned a bit and this game was a worthwhile exercise. A couple of first teamers got another chance to get thier sharpness- Jan Vennegoor of Hesslelink had an othe impressive 45 mins and Paul Hartley had his best performance of pre-season.

A couple of fringe players proved they would be better of elsewhere. Tommy Gravesen should have been bundled out of Celtic Park in a cage and been wisked to The Hague to stand trial for impressionating a Danish International football player and Derek Riordan showed that he couldn't give a fuck with another performance lacking in anything.

A few of the youngsters stepped up to the plate. Scott Cuthbert was impressive against the pacey Man Citee attack, Paul McGowan showed that he maybe could do a job and continued his impressive pre-season outings but Paul Caddis must now be chapping the managers door. His second half run out was the highlight of the evening.

Direct, pacey and confident bursts on the right wing gave us something we were missing. Bench is the least he will be frequenting when the real stuff starts.

So, in all a decent game, well, a worthwhile game that we learned from. Our manager said 

We brought on pace, energy, ability with the kids. "They lifted the crowd and lifted me, so one or two can be pleased with themselves.

Yes, they can. But whether they will be used in the coming season depends on who comes in and who leaves.

Update: Yer man here, will be foghorning his views, while sounding like Irvine Welsh and an out of tune Ian Brown, on the This Week In Football Podcast later on today. So, expect.."Ah's", "Mmms" and pauses in the strangest of places.

Over on the darkside, there self styled 'Espanyolification' continues with thier defeat to Hearts feeder club FC Kanus. Apart from them already giving us £400,000 when they signed Kenny Miller but they felt the need to give us all the Champions League TV money that is allocated to Scotland, which is £2.5m.

I hope Celtic use this money well.

Defeat has left R*ngers in a state of uber-rage. Here we find John Smeatons ugly sister threatening David Murray with a move that the 'Kung Fu Panda' would be proud off and from Lithuianian Tv this wee bit of footage of the post-Manchester travelling Hun. Check out the fat bassa with the Champions Flag round his arse. That must be an auld flag.

Ok, a word from our sponsors.

Fantasy Football. Get yourself logged on and join the LOTW Super Lager Division 1, follow the instructions 'How to join a mini league' and join today. League name is LOTW Super Lager Division 1, and password is Bolloxs.

I now have a great prize. I'm not telling you what it is but......I will need your chest size and colour if you win the league.

Again, all the wind and pish that I spout about is on the Celtic home page. You can contribute to this page by adding stories- called throw ins, photo's, player profiles and vids. It's your page and your team so use it.

I see a lot of new Celtic fans have joined over the last few days. A big welcome and I hope to see you contributing.

Forza.

Ps....for those on holidays, was that alright for you?

LOTW is having a happy monday. No, Squirel and G-Man in my mind, but happy at the fact that we stepped-on Feyenoord with a 3-1 victory, which ensures we didn't finish with another wooden spoon this pre-season.

After Friday it looked llike we were going to end up with mair wooden spoons than Gordon Ramseys kitchen. LOTW would love to stick a wooden spoon up that ex-Hun's arse and get him to shout the F-word- fienien, not fuck- over and over.

Results in pre-season games don't matter. But LOTW feels that you should get something out of every pre-season game that you play. Apart from the performances of Paul Caddis and Paul McGowan we got nothing from any of the games until last night.

The main talking point from last night was the formation. Our manager said post match.... 

"We decided at the beginning of the season that we would play the games for our benefit, not for the sake of entertainment. With every experiment we tried we got something from it, although that doesn't always means positive results. We have used it pre-season quite well. We have picked up a lot of good information for the rest of the season. We have tried three systems in the matches now and have picked up points we could be working on. If we get our passing right then it will all be worthwhile."

...which, is a fine comment if we had seen anything radical in every game. But we haven't. We saw a 4-5-1 in Porto, a 4-4-2 against Spurs- with a different take on players positions and last night we saw, for our manager who is meat and two veg 4-4-2 man, a break that is akin to man landing on the moon. He played a 4-3-3 with Aiden McGeady and Georgios Samaras dropping right and left midfield when we didn't have the ball.

Did it work? It showed enough, to say it could be worth trying again but can it really be measured against a team that is 3 weeks behind us in pre-season, a team that hasn't won their league for a decade and finished 6th in their league last season.

LOTW would also expect to beat or have a very good chance of beating any Dutch team that we meet in Europe as the Dutch leagues and the Scottish leagues are on the same level moneywise. In saying that we have had some decent signings from the Dutch league. There seems to be a bit value for money if you shop there.

We started with two players- Samaras and Jan Vennegoor Of Hesslelink- who have scored 179 goals between them in the Dutch league. So, surprise, surprise their knack of scoring on Dutch soil was as much of a given as a Scotsman with 70 Euros in Amsterdam.

We looked sharper, looked llike we had mair energy than Friday against Spurs- a feat that wouldn't have been too hard- but we still gave the ball away to often and the aimless punt was a feature of the dying embers of the game.

As was mentioned in the Hail Hails, 3-1 flattered us and the Dutch cut us open a few times. If it wasn't for Mark Brown- who seems to have been drinking The Holy Goalies love juice- then a the 3-0 HT scoreline would have been turned over.

So, unlike some on Celticcybertimdom, I see this an interesting step, rather than a promising one, we can still improve but....though results don't matter, things always seem fitter in pre-season after a victory. LOTW doesn't see it as a major step forward.

Guys, like Naylor- great cross for the 2nd goal- and Donati have been rank rotten and are living on borrowed time while the puzzle of an ex-German internationlist looking playing like a donkey with 3 legs and a blindfold on is one for The X-Files.

So LOTW is pleased to announce that white smoke will be coming from the Lennoxtown bunker this week. It looks like Marc Crosas and Gabriel Tamas- who is ending the longest running saga since Star Wars- will be paraded on the day The Huns crash out of Europe or beat Hearts feeder club on pens and we play Man Citee in our last pre-season knock around.

The Catalan press have the Crosas deal as close as done between the clubs and LOTW's man in Barca say's no mair than " you're getting talent".... his agent is making noises that the deal should be concluded soon so the infamous LOTW 'shitofilter' is at green for go.

Gabriel Tamas will arrive to make Caldwell and Mick sweat a bit more and make Darren O'Dea feel so far out in the cold he will need a parka to warm himself up.

But enough tittle tattle. Fantasy Football. Get yourself logged on and join the LOTW Super Lager Division 1, follow the instructions 'How to join a mini league' and join today. League name is LOTW Super Lager Division 1, and password is Bolloxs.

There is great main prizes and hopefully some shit for me to give away to the winner of the mini league.

Also, check out the Celtic hame page for latest stories in the 'throw in' section. Remember it's your teams hame page and you can update and contribute anything you think is worthy.

Shameless plug finished.

Forza