"The Chaaammmmppppions.....pa, pa, pa pah!!!!!!"

Ok, the only show in town was in Monaco this week as the Champions League  draw was made in it's usual OTT stylee and we found out who would be pumping us away from home and getting a beating at Celtic Park.

The Hoops were drawn against Manchester Utd, the Champions of Europe and the 2nd time we have played them in the CL and also the second year in a row we have faced the previous years winners. I'm sure the Greater Manchester Polis will be looking forward to welcoming another team from Glesga so soon. The club reacted like this to the draw while looking disinterested and one eye on the last 16 already.

Villarreal were our foes from Pot 2. We faced them in the UEFA Vase 2004, the night Saint Martin of O'Neills team got it's first nail in it's coffin, and they were impressive last season in La Liga finishing 10 points ahead of Barca. The have a South American flavour and it's a tough, tough opening game for us. Here is a squad list and also the clubs reaction at getting drawn against Celtic Glasgow. Again they were to busy eyeing up the knockout stages to really be arsed bothering about us or the Danes.

Lady luck seemed to shine on us as we draw Scotsman, Bolton legend and Arsenal leg-end, Bruce Riochs Aalborg who put out the mighty FC Kanus in qualifying from pot 4. Karma eh? Anyway, they won the Danish title last season but have started badly this year and probably beating the mighty Kanus can be put down to luck. Lotw knows feck all about them so here's a squad list, which has a very Danish feel and LoTW ponders surely we won't be playing in a stadium that holds only 10,500?

Can we qualify for the last 16 for the 3rd year in a row? Right now, it doesn't seem likely as the away day blues seem set to continue with trips to Old Trafford and El Madrigal looking as daunting as hike up Everest. Again, we will need to win all 3 home games to have any hope and that is also a tall ask. The UEFA Vase looks the best bet and that will satisfy those who feel we need to win the thing to get it right up the huns.

The manager gives his reaction and as usual we are playing top, top sides with top, top players.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock.........

That's the sound of the Mickey Mouse Clock, goes with our Mickey Mouse League, that hangs in LoTW's Hut where this wind and pish is typed. The clock is ticking down to the close of the transfer window and the time that the 'Shitofilter' gets put back in it's box and returned to the back of the cupboard.

If we are going to be playing top, top teams we need some more top, top players.

So what's tickling the 'Shitofilter' today? James Brown is making the filter go red. Hartlepools £3m rated striker, who signed a new deal with the 'Monkey Hangers' last weekend and who is more famous for getting Jeff Stelling to do this rather than his striking ability. New contract, big bucks to move him and the chance of Strachan getting hanged on the London Road rather than a monkey means the 'Shitofilter' is at red on this one.

The 'Shitofilter' vibrates at the thought of loan deals and probably so does the SSM and Hamburg. Timothy Atouba doesn't want to leave Hamburg, Hamburg want to sell him to either Us, Newcastle or Hull City. As he hasn't had his shots to get into Newcastle or Hull, us on loan has the 'Shitofilter' at amber but with 'The Shadow Of The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde' casting a redish glow over it.

The 3rd and most unplausable rumour is £6m rated and Real Madrid target, who hasn't scored since before Easter, Steven Fletcher leaving Hibs in a cash plus Derek Riordon deal. The 'Shitofilter' is at red as us giving Hibs a shit load of cash for a promising youngster LoTW reckons went out the window with Scott Brown.

The chances of us signing anyone are getting less and less with The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde refusing to move to Birmingham. The bigman is acting like a bawbag this transfer window and this could be the 4th or 5th time he has agreed terms with clubs only not to sign. His hard as a brickshit house performance in the last 10mins against Boavista in 2003 is fading quicker than our last 8 of the Champions League hopes.

George Burley also named his Scotland squad this week for the double header against Macedonia. LoTW notices that he has named 6 Celtic players in the squad, which is quite handy when he is looking for scapegoats after the two upcoming defeats and no goals. Scotsman, Aiden McGeady has been named in the ROI squad where he doesn't get booed in the games he plays.

But enough of this. The Huns rollover the river, with their songs about the famine being over and us going home- don't they know there is a credit crunch? have they seen the price of tatties?-, for their first defeat of the season on Sunday.

Both teams have the same records this season, W2 D1, but with Celtic having injuries to Jan Vennegoor and Scott McDonald and a scare story regarding Shaun Maloney we go into the game with more doubts and questions than we did last weekend after our Brazil 1982 performance against Falkirk.

Last season every game was won by the team that scored first. In the 3-2 game it was the first time The Huns had lost a derby game when they had got in front since 1992. Last season the Huns won 73.6% of games they scored first in. Celtic had a decent 68.4% record. Both teams have dropped points after scoring 1st this season so far.

History shows scoring first is important in these games. If Celtic score first the 'Wattienaccio' will have to come out for a spell in the game to try and get an equaliser. If they score first, then we may struggle to breakdown a deep defensive unit as well drilled, but lacking in ability, unit.

After Kanus, the goodwill factor that swept over CP has all but gone, Though The Huns have spent and gambled like a blindman playing poker, they have got new faces and a new hope. Us? All though having a better squad, the injuries and the fact that we seem to be penny piniching in adding quality to the squad gives this game a dangerous feel.

As Celtic Stats points out we have won 5 out of the last 6 games at Celtic Park. We have scored 12 goals and lost 4 in the process. We should be able to gloat at them going out of Europe and win this game.

So the bonkers bet, that 'youwidbestupidtofollow', is Celtic 2-0 with Shaun Maloney scoring the 1st goal. See LoTW doesn't think Maloney is injured.

Forza

LoTW has decided that's it time for this brother to sort it out. I'll start by 'sorting out' Michael Higdon who has decided that asking the MIB for a 'square go' is how to go about sorting his teams failings. He then admits that he tried to get himself booked to prove a point and that the MIB 'bottled' this decision as well.

I wonder if Mr Higdon would have thrown his rattle ,if he had one, and has ever considered engaging his brain before opening his mouth.

Next up is Celtic legend John 'Yogi' Hughes, who scored with a header at Ibrox, saying that he may quit due to the sad state of MIB's in the SPL. He fancies the bright lights of The Championship, 6th richest league in the world, and that he has outgrown the 2 stand town, which is Falkirk.

Both the above bawbags have done a great job in deflecting attention away from their teams poor form. Was the MIB on Saturday responsible for them losing the 2 games before then? Was the MIB responsible for missing a penalty in their first game, thus causing them to drop 2 points (think Mr Higdon had a lot to do with that) and does Mr Hughes think that the Chesterfields and Southends of this world won't notice that he has lead Falkirk to 3 defeats on the trot and signed Sunday League Leg-ends like Michael Higdon.

They have also stirred up a hornets nest. Commentaters have been sticking their unwelcome noses in and trying to get a story where there isn't one. The fact of the matter is the MIB's are terrible and have been for years.

But.....LoTW wonders where guys like Crocker were when Jan Vennegor didn't get a penalty last season at Aberdeen, when Scott McDonald got a decent goal chopped of in our 3-2 defeat at Inverness, when Jan Vennegor was up ended at Love Street, when two dubious penalties were awarded for ICT and Hearts last season causing us to drop 5 points, when Kirk Broadfoot stayed on the park after beasting Scott McDonald in the 3-2 victory over The Huns and ,last but not least, when Mike McCurry invented the 'Offside Own goal' at Ibrox last season.

Yes, LoTW agrees we have had the benefit this season so far. But don't all these things even themselves out, so by my reckoning we have 118 years worth of evening out to go.

LoTW wishes also to sort out the PLC board. With the 'Transfer Window' being extended, for a whole 24 hours (hurrah) I would expect the 'Shitofilter' to be doing overtime. It's not. A cut price deal the lesser spotted Riordon for him to complete a "sensational return" to relegation haunted Hibs is all that is happening.

LoTW is non-plussed at this news. Could have been great but it wasn't. Still think his leaving is not the player we need to be shifted. Bobo Balde is the problem. LoTW thinks if Bobo says "No, No, No" to anymore Championship fodder then our chances of seeing a Nike Friday or a Championship LB are as likely as the Lesser Spotted Riordon being served in any Edinburgh Nightclubs. 

Can we maybe expect Bobo to get paid off and then a short term loan deal for a LB? I will say again if we go into the CL with a right footed player at LB then it's a sacking offence for all of the coaches, scouts, tea women and Hoopy The Huddle hounds.

We also go the news today that Celtic's successful Olympian Chris Killen was hoping for and all of Timdom wasn't. Scott McDonald is out of the Glesga Derby and Jan Vennegoor is rated as 50/50. McDonald got injured bouncing for the Socceroos in one of those useless International games that bug LoTW happiness every now and then.

The injuries did lead to us producing our best performance of the season right enough but doubts remain over the ability of Georgios Samaras, no matter what the long haired lover from Athens boasts.

True, as he says, strikers require goals and he seems to be confident but whether he is good enough to be a starter ahead of Jan Vennegoor is still to be proved. I sometimes think Samaras wanders about allowing games to pass him by but he can't allow that to happen on Sunday. We may need Gallus George not Curious George.

The same article has Neil Lennon joining the mass ranks of the LoTW driven 'I want to have Shaun Maloney's Babies' fan club. He mused

"I think Shaun can play with most players because he is really intelligent. It is the typical big man/little man partnership, and Sami responded very well. Shaun has played with a lot of good players over the years, and he can play anywhere across the front line."

Added to that, Lenny's former partner in crime, Paul Lambert fanned the flames that have engulfed the talent of wee short arse since his cameo winning debut after returning from a failed spell at a mid table EPL club.

With Shaun also being seen as the saviour of George Burley's, already, ill fated reign as Scotland Coach. The pressure on the wee man is incredible and a lot of it for me comes from the boards lack of activity on the transfer front. A player that some don't see as a first choice has all of a sudden become the 'man' that will turn us from Scotland 1978 into Brazil 1982.

Anyway, there is something else happening this week, that doesn't relate or impact on The Huns. Yes, The Champions League draw this Friday, 5pm for all non-Huns, has got Nakamuras sushi juices flowing.

He quite rightly states that he doesn't want AC Milan or Benfica as we are fed up playing them. Having a look at the pots, the perfect hot and cold balls draw would be Lyon, PSV and Cluj. But...I have a feeling we are due an English team and that team will be Arsenal along with Roma and Fenerbache.

To finish with this article from The Times, which asks whether Shunsuke Nakamura is a genius or over-rated. LoTW says genius.

Forza

Update: Why has this Madlung story appeared?, Steven Fletcher? and why is our manager watching Hartlepool v WBA this evening?

Thanks to Number 7 from KDS for the photo.

Celtic Plead Poverty 

What did LOTW do to deserve this?

Was it because he got wee Broony the belt for lying that he had shat his pants when LOTW was 5? Is it due to LOTW stealing those goldfish from the travelling fair pikey when he was 10? Was it because LOTW got pissed on Special Brew at 16 or that I 'lied when i was 17?'.

So why do we put ourselves through Celtic in pre-season? I wish to go back to the days that pre-season games were reported by a one-line report on the wireless when a bad line reported "Lacklustre Celtic stumble to another defeat" and that was it.

Our pre-season so far has contained no performances, 2 wins, a draw and 3 defeats. These defeats have come against Fulham, Spurs and Cardiff. Yes, our pre-season contains a defeat to Cardiff. If our performance against Cardiff was a low, it reached a new low last night with a meek defeat to Spurs.

A performance that lacked energy, fight, commitment and guile. Our manager stated before the game that he was to...

 "....try out a few systems against good opposition and ask ourselves the question, 'will this be good enough to use in European games away from home?'" 

Ok, to LOTW untrained eye, an eye that has never set sight on an a coaches notebook in it's life, his experiment, which was Scott McDonald dropped deeper and Barry Robson played on the right, won't win us games in the CIS Cup never mind Europe.

If he has tried a 4-3-2-1, a 2-2-2-4, a 4-2-2-2 or the infamous 9-0-1 and we had lost then I would be "Ach, he tried something and it didnae work.." but...he played his first team in their, sort of, normal formation.

After the game he bemoaned Celtic's lack of ball retention, LOTW has seen better water retention in an auld folks home,.... "The way you play football is to pass the ball better. We gave the ball away 18 times in the first half and when you do that it means they have the ball for eight minutes."..... said Gordon forgetting the other 82mins that Spurs had the ball.

If pre-season games are all about fitness as Stephen McManus, who bailed out at HT after getting ripped by Darren Bent, says...."These games are always tough and we aren't reading too much into them. We are just working on our fitness.....then why did we look a yard slower, a yard sharper and as creative as a re-run of Art Attack?

Again, LOTW believes this is down to the instructions giving out before these games. "Go out lads, have a wee run about but don't try too hard..." we really don't care about the results of these games but another 2 defeats in the last two games, which is a massive possibilty, then we are going into the season on a downer.

Results and performances do help for confidence. But.....it's only pre-season. We have HAD WORSE pre-seasons and still went on to do well. And it's the first time we have lost to Spurs in 75 years and they had to spend megabucks to do it so I expect them to release a DVD celebrating this.

I suppose we should be thankful that we don't face teams with Spurs resources- though, if any of our players had gave anything near 100% or if it had been in a competitive game I reckon we would have given them a game, not a stroll in the Rotterdam sun- every week and our defence be thankful that failure in the Champions League will only mean we could meet Modric and Bent again.

Spurs have spent, so far, £43m to try and get to the Champions League. I heard them bemoaning how poor Celtic are and that they would be better in the CL. I'm comfortable with Celtic's place in Europe- middle order, making up the numbers etc, while Spurs are not with theirs. They are spending to change that feeling. 

But....if you like to boast and bloat that you play in the "Best league in the world..." and love the riches that go with that then you have to play be their rules. Their rules say that you are not good enough to represent the EPL in the CL.....so you canny have your cake and eat it.

So we might have an 'easier' route to Europes top table but that route hinders us when we get there, so while, we want to not just make up the numbers.....we canny have oor cake and eat it as well.

So are we trying to improve our standing in Europe as a decent UEFA Vase Team? Our manager talked about the David Beckham wannabe last night, he said....

"What are our limits? Do you get half a Bentley, a quarter of Bentley? Do we get a Bentley right leg? If you said to Juande Ramos to get rid of all his top players and give him X amount and say get to the Champions League last eight he would just laugh at you. We know that. It's nothing new and we're not complaining."

.....of course we are complaining, we widnae be Scottish if we weren't complaining, if you think us moaning about Tv money is bad, get us started on Oil and the riches that we have gave the rest of the UK....bejesus.

Anyway, as LOTW reads other sites and passes off rumours as his own then, LOTW believes oor transfer budget would buy us David Beckhams Bentley upper torso. First up is the saga of Gabriel Tamas, his agent now saying......

'There have been new, positive discussions. Gabi wants to play for Celtic, in front of those great fans, in that great stadium. Also, the idea of Champions League football is attractive'

......while hoping that his player gets better offer from an EPL team.

Bobbing along on the raft that all Championship journeymen sale on the way to the SPL is West Brom full back Paul Robinson, who is on a break from being a love rat on Neighbours. There is no quotes but I have lifted, what has to be the Hail Hail of the week from Rudyflyer.....

"Now, this Paul Robinson guy, I know fuck all about him besides that he's a Championship star, sounds like the song of Lee Naylor to me..."

Think that sums it up nicely. But can anyone come up wie, what we shall call the "Ballad of Lee Naylor"? There maybe a prize.*

And a quote in a Spanish paper says.....

 "Celtic have talked to us about both a loan and permanent deal regarding Marc Crosas,"

....from Barcelona. But....Spanish quotes are about as trustworthy as the jury in the Jill Dando murder trial but if this guy....

Will we see white smoke this week? Yes.

Now, to FF. No not the political wing of the R*ngers trust and the cesspit of society. But, OleOle's big superdooper Fantasy Football leagues. So if you fancy spending a Ramos Ransom click the link and sign up.

There is lots of great prizes....Champion League final tickets and accommodation in Rome for the winner! Tickets to top European league matches, a Sony Play Station 3 with the very latest games, Official Replica Team Shirts and ...Official OleOle goodies!

But..that is not a match for the LOTW Super Lager Division 1. Yes, LOTW has created it's own mini-league so all you Champ Manager freaks can test yerself against the best. To join the LOTW Super Lager Division 1, click on the Fantasy Football link, create your team - the LOTW mini league is based on the European Super League pool of players- and then click on join a mini league.

The leagues name is: LOTW Super Lager Division 1 and the password is: Bolloxs. There might be a prize for the winner**

Forza

*There is no prize for the "Ballad Of Lee Naylor"

**At the moment there is no prize for the winner of the LOTW Super Lager Division 1. I'm hoping some nice people will read this and donate a prize, like a nice retro kit or a replica top or OleOle goodies.....juat donate shit people, I will accept anything.

 "Salt and Sauce Lad....."

Lhads....

Lets all shout.....Vitor Baia, Ferreira, Nuno Valente, Jorge Costa, Pedro Emanuel, Ricardo Carvalho, Costinha, Ricardo Costa, Alenichev, Maniche, Deco, Capucho (ha,ha, fucking ha), Marco Ferreira, Derlei and last but not least Jose The Not So Special One Bawbagface.....

Your boys took one hell of a beating!!!!!!

LOTW has decided that some pre-season games are worth celebrating victories in and beating Porto (cheating scum) on what was billed as a 'party' on their on patch is worth cracking open a can and feeling well chuffed.

Here is the highlights but I'm sure Celtic will bring out a DVD of this famous win in the near future. Only Rapid Vienna to go in the 'revenge' stakes.

Ok, we got a bit of a run a round in the 1st Half. As the highllights prove we, were sliced apart as easy a donar kebab but Artur 'The Holy Goalie' Boruc proved his weight in kebab meat. In the second half we played better, switched to a 442 and got a goal worthy to win any game.

Our problems were caused by giving the ball away cheaply and again reminded us that in Europe keeping the ball leads to sucess. Giving it away leads you not to win an away game in Europe for numerous years.

Quite what to make of our qualification for the last 16 in the Champions League with these glaring faults is a puzzle that has Columbo itching perversely in his duffel coat. Even our own players are bemused...Big Jan Vennegor Of Hesslelink says....

"We'll need more signings to strengthen for Europe and the title challenge. Fresh blood creates competition and gives you a better chance of progressing. Getting to the last 16 two years in a row is a great achievement. Now we hope to go even further."

On the evidence supplied, LOTW reckons that we need to improve away from home to ensure we can progress. The game against Porto showed us what we can do when we are organised and don't treat pre-season games as 'bounce' and it also saw the so-called unveiling of the 'Strachanaccio'.

Georgios Samaras got into the inner beast of the 'Strachanaccio' 4-5-1 system. He pleaded he was the man for the joab...

"We're used to playing 4-4-2, attacking and making goals. Sometimes you need to do that or we could play with one up front but it's up to the gaffer to make that decision. I just wait to hear how he wants me to play and then I go out to do my job."

We played the 'Strachanaccio' in Europe last year to great unsuccess. Four games, four defeats. We played two up front against Spartak and got a draw. When the 'new black' one up front system was employed we lost every game 1-0.

If we are going to play this system we need the players to play it. LOTW doesn't think that we have the players to play it. Played badly, this system ends up the 'Wattienaccio' as done to great plaudits by R*ngers on the way to The UEFA Vase final last year.

Paul Hartley, last season, played EVERY game in Europe. He said at the weekend...

"The middle of the park is our strongest area so all I can do is try and impress."

.....and impress the bearded man does. Major reason we won the league and if you look back at all our decent performances last season HE played. LOTW also believes he will bring the best out of Scott Brown. Only if Scott Brown plays in a central area with him.

His energy and fight in the central area is needed. LOTW doffs his cap at him having a go at Porto's Uruguayan hatchetman Jorge Fucile over the Porto player claiming that "salt and sauce is fer poofs".

LOTW is completely unsure though about GS playing him on the left handside of midfield in these pre-season games. Eh, Barry Robson boss?

The 'Strachanaccio' could still require room for one more. Massimo Donati star is fading faster than Gordon Browns hopes of winning the next election and LOTW believes that Massimo mis-firing like an auld Ford Cortina could be the reason Evander Sno turned down a move to Spain.

That or the FACT he can wait to the turn of the year and make more money by signing a pre-contract with his Spanish suitors.

But...all you Evander Sno haters remember the Camp Nou when he replaced Massimo Donati? We could be punting, LOTW thinks we are punting, a future Netherland Internationalist who could turn out to be our version of Guttuso. All because of a couple of poor games....

So, LOTW sings "It could be Rotterdam or anywhere, Liverpool or Rome" but it's Rotterdam we were right first time. First game is against Harry Hotspurs big spending but big selling Tottenham Hotspur. A game which Robbie Keane won't get to score against his "second" favourite boyhood team and once again he won't score his first goal for his "second" favourite boyhood team.

But....a call to arms. As you can see OleOle is a bit like a surburb of North London and a hefty defeat could make LOTW a bit of a sore place to be by 7.30BST on Friday night. So lets try and get a a few of us on the comments while the game is happening and also afterwards.

Sure we will get some 'visitors' over the next few days so lets make them welcome. Baseball bats, coshes, sweaty socks wie snooker balls in them and chair legs are available at the door...

Forza 

.......according to the Scottish Press.

Those on OleOle may not be familiar wie the workings of the Scottish Press. They have a tendency to glorify things and talk aboot future happenings as if they were FACT, esp when it comes to oor good friends R*ngers (The Huns).

We call these stories Moonbeams.

So this article, which appeared in The Glesga Herald after Porto were excluded from next seasons CL I thought was a guid example of a moonbeam when The Huns are made to forget the reality of their situation and Sir David Murray (The Mint) gets his laptop loyal meeja pals to spin a story to keep the hordes happy. For example the first paragraph....

Porto's exclusion from next season's Champions League could bolster Rangers' chances of being included in Pot 2 when the draw for the group stage is made in late August.

Nothing much up with that except.....a wee look at Bert Kassis site and you will see R*ngers are not in the Champions League next season. No, they have to play a qualifier- a game, which they might not win. So is the meeja poodle trying to make The Huns forget their end of season collapse and that they didnae win the league, which brought wie it qualification?

Then we get the gold at the end of the moonbeam....

Rangers would then move up to assume top place in Pot 3 and would require just one of the higher-ranked qualifiers - Arsenal, Liverpool, Schalke, Barcelona or Juventus - to fail to progress for them to move into the second group of seeds. Celtic, who have gained direct access to the Champions League group stage on the back of winning this season's Clydesdale Bank Premier League, will remain in Pot 3 with only a remote chance of gaining promotion to Pot 2.

Notice the use of the words “just one” and then the stating that we only have a “remote chance” of reaching Pot 2. We have mair of a chance at this moment than a team that are not even in the draw have we not?

So will any of the named teams get put out? Probably not, they will be seeded and should see off any opponents wieoot much bother. So, this meeja lackie has had a team that has not qualified reaching Pot 2 and named 4 other teams (who have not qualified or played a game) and predicted one of them will go oot thus causing the team that has not qualified reaching Pot 2.

There is also no mention of the fact that Porto’s appeal will probably mean they will get back in. But...it does make you wonder if he knows this weekends lottery numbers as he seems to predict the future....

For me, this is just another example of the meeja whitewashing that has happened since Manchester 2008. They are trying to peddle that R*ngers run to the UEFA Vase Final means that they are big amongst the big boys.

I reckon by the end of the summer the meeja will have The Huns playing like Brazil 70 and that the “incidents” after the game will be seen as high jinks, they will blame heavy-handed polis and will be put doon to the fans being spirited.Like Barca 72, Villarreal 2005 and Pamploma 2007 (see Franco’s polis, they are nasty bastards) they will find someone else to blame and the story airbrushed for human consumption.

On the field the ridicule and abuse their performances have received will also be forgotten (like the Greeks forget how poor to watch their team was in 2004) and Manchester 2008 will be cast up like some sort of magical fitba’ experience.

Seville 2003 announced oor return to the European stage. 80,000 in Spain for a final and nae bother. The following year oor trip to the Camp Nou meant oor links wie the major players in Europe were strengthened.

The now defunct G14 got interested. We were invited roond for tea and custard creams. We were seen as an asset and a positive addition to the party.

Manchester 2008 should have been R*ngers chance. The events on and off the fields mean they are now further away from ever being accepted than ever before. UEFA are probably cursing they never banned them when they had the chance.

How it will effect other large travelling supports remains to be seen.

There is a quote on the new Celtic away top.

“It’s not the creed or nationality that counts.it’s the man himself”

It’s a quote from Wullie Maley. For me, hopefully this is the first bow being fired across the Old F*rm tag. It’s a quote saying we are different. It’s saying we can no longer be linked to the baggage others have.

It’s time to draw lines in the sand.

Forza        

Are we sitting on a comfy chair? This is going to be a long haul review. It would have been even longer if R*ngers (or the Rearangers as they are now known) had got their way. We would have been playing well into July and maybe even August.

They did try and be cheating barstewards but failed. So I have laid out a buffet (sausage rolls, pizza, canopies, Spam sandwiches, Pringles, dips and carrot sticks) and have got in some lager, wine and MD 20/20 (for the weans). So lets begin wie this title party review. It’s a bit like sitting down to watch a DVD but there is no DVD. In fact you might be better to wait for the DVD. It all started at the beginning.

July: Trip to Switzerland to compete in the Uhren Cup. Kenny Miller scored the only goal in the opening game when we beat Basel but a hefty 4-1 defeat to Young Boys (that prick Hakin Yakin again) meant the pre-season woes started early.

Back to Blighty, Andrea Capone made his debut against Peterborough and his final appearance in the next game against QPR. We score 2 victories scoring 7 goals (2-1 and 5-1) before we went to the USA where we were pumped 2-0 by the MLS All Stars and were held by a Blanco inspired Chicago Fire.

 Up to “The Toon” were we treated to a 4-1 gubbing from Walrus Sam’s bar codes then over to Celtic Park for a McGeady goal in a drab 1-0 win over Parma.

8 pre-season games, 4 wins, 3 defeats and a draw. Nae performances.

August: League flag unfurled against Kilmarnock then we failed to score. 3 away games in a row next. Falkirk were dispatched 4-1 (Naka inspired),  Paul Hartley then scored a vital away goal in a 1-1 draw on the plastic of Moscow and Massimo and Miller shagged the sheep in a coming from behind 3-1 win.

August ended with us thinking Massimo and Scott Brown were the real deal with a 5-0 drubbing of Hearts and then a penalty kick victory over Spartak Moscow (a game which was one of the best I have seen at Celtic Park) after a 1-1 draw.  Champions League here we come was the cry as we came up from behind the sofas.

6 games, 3 wins and 3 draws. 14 goals scored and 4 lost.

September: Was on a caravan holiday and annoyed some Arsenal fans when we bribed a barman to let us watch the Hoops beat St Mirren 5-1 instead of letting them watch Arsenal v Pompey. Another 5 goals were dispatched against ICT at home then came the dreaded Champions League away game against Shakhtar Donetsk.

Sure enough, game was loused after 8 minutes and we were 2-0 down. Then followed oor 2^nd defeat of the season. An Arfur Boruc inspired Hibs won 3-2 in game we didnae deserve to lose. A struggle at Dens Park then struggled with a 2-1 win against Dundee in the diddy CIS Cup. A mixed month ended with a 3-0 win against Dundee Utd at home. 

6 games, 4 wins and 2 defeats. 17 goals scored and 7 lost.

October: The start of the last minute goals. A Scott McDonald winner against AC Milan (after a Gary Caldwell rasper) that was followed by Dida getting shot by the legendary East End Of Glesga Sniper, then on the Sunday, Scott McDonald again popped up wie a last minute winner against the mighty Gretna after we were 1-0 down wie 10 mins left.

Yes, Gretna were 10 minutes away from becoming unofficial European Champions. 

 What then followed towards the end of the month was shocking. A 3-0 (deserved defeat but the 9 bookings in the game for Celtic players were undeserved) from The Huns, a 1-0 defeat from Benfica in Lisboa (when we attempted what would be known as the “Wattienaccio” 9-0-1 formation), a 3-0 victory against Motherwell at home gave us a bit of joy but then we crashed out of the diddy CIS Cup to Hearts (The Little Huns).

From beating European (but sliding) Champions Milan to getting beat of the worse Hearts team in 20 years who are owned by a man determined to turn the into FC Kanus. Fuck me.

6 games, 3 wins and 3 defeats. 7 goals scored and we lost 8.

November: The silliness begun with the SFA asking us to postpone a game so Scotland could fall out of the qualification for Euro 2008 when the better Italians came to Hampden and wandered away wie a 2-1 victory.

An away trip to Kilmarnock yielded a 2-1 victory, a 1-0 victory against Benfica, 3-0 against Aberdeen at home then another home win against Shakter Donetsk when Massimo Donati scored a 92^nd minute winner, that all but sealed qualification for the last 16 and cued up wild celebrations at CP (not seen again until April), meant it was a cracking month. But….performances were poor and the month of Celtic bearing gifts was just round the corner.

4 games, 4 victories. 8 goals scored and 2 lost. 9 scored and 2 lost.

December: Started of at Tynecastle, where it looked like we would escape wie 3 points after scoring 12 minutes from time. Gary Caldwell then decided to push a Hearts player in the box awarding them a penanlty for an undeserved draw.

It was then onto the San Siro where poaching barsteward Inzaghi scored his 100,000 Champions League 3 yard tap in to condem us to a 1-0 defeat ensuring that man hadn't landed on the moon the last time we won away from home.

Back home and an easy 3 points against St Mirren. Naw, 1-1 draw with the lesser spotted Derek Riordon scoring 5 minutes from time. Falkirk were then despatched 4-0 at home before the trip north to Inverness saw us blow a 2 goal lead in 15 minutes of madness to see us slip to a 3-2 defeat. How that could have proved costly.

Onto CP and another 1-1 draw wie Hibs and the hardest game of the month saw us beat Dundee Utd 2-0 at Tannadice. A 3-0 win against relegated and bust Gretna rounded of a month that we all thought had damaged oor 3 in a row hopes. But we didnae moan about having to play 8 games in that month, did we?

8 games, 3 wins, 3 draws and 2 lost. 14 goals scored and 7 lost.

Jan: A month that was hit by the death of Phil O'Donnell. Scottish football was in shock but the SPL decided to act like the fools they are, and would prove, time and time again, by not postponing the fixtures directly after his death.

It took an agreement between Celtic and R*ngers (yes, youse did agree) for the derby game to be postponed. This meant Celtic first action of the New Year was a 3-0 victory against Stirling Albion in the Scottish Cup. We also saw our new signing Andreas Hinkel in this game.

Another scrappy and pish 1-0 victory over Kilmarnock followed and the month ended wie a mugging of Falkirk 1-0 at The Westfield Stadium. Dick Turpin in Hoops. But football was a second thought in this month.

3 games, 3 wins. 5 scored and 0 lost. (Sounds like a decent month eh? But football wise it was pish)

Feb: Scottish Cup duty and the worst Kilmarnock team under Uncle moaning faced auld gits reign got pumped 5-1 going on 10. We saw the orange boots of Georgios Samaras for the 1st time but it wouldnae be the last time he came of the bench and scored. Up to Sheepland and Aberdeen were beaten 5-1 and Barry Robson scored with the first touch of his Celtic career. Back to CP and The Little Huns were beaten 3-0.

We were back and were shouting bring on Barcalona who were next to CP. 2-1 up at half time saw CP in celebratory mode. I mean, The Huns had played 180 mins against them and never threatened their goal (and were christened the anti-football by some bloke called Messi) and here was us giving it the big GIRUY by beating them at half time. We couldnae hang on and lost 3-2. 

After that it was of to the store where the creatures meet and after Naka "dived" (he was cute) to win a free kick 32 yards from goal, which he duly dispatched, meant that the crusade to chase the cheats out of Scottish Football gathered pace. A 1-0 at Love Street was followed by a 2-1 against Inverness at home. The dark days of Jan seemed so long ago.

6 games, 5 wins and 1 loss (against Barca, that disnny count). 18 goals scored and 6 lost.

March: Started of with a great 2-0 victory against Hibs at Easter Road, Lee Naylor scored in his only high point of his season and Samaras proved that he could be worth a punt with the 2nd. It was then off to the Camp Nou (the cauldest place I have been all season) and another on the road 1-0 defeat in Europe. The plague was ravaging London the last time we won away in Europe.

Then the shity stick we were poking the life back into oor title race broke and the shit ended up on oor new adidas.

A 1-1 draw wie Aberdeen (a Vennegor last minute strike) caused an unwanted replay in which we were promptly beaten 1-0 as Aberdeen recorded their first victory at CP for years. In between then we drew 0-0 wie Dundee Utd at home and it was becoming apparent that while the month before we were scoring for fun we now couldnae score in Lusty Lindas whore hoose wie a gold visa card. That ended when we beat the giants of Gretna 3-0 at Almondvale.

But...we had to dust oorselve doon and head to Legoland for what was being called the title decider. We played well in the first half, but went in 1-0 doon. Game over. Never looked like scoring as Walter El Cairdo Dignity recored his 4th victory against Strachan and a 4th clean sheet for Alan Sleazebag McGregor.

Plenty of gloating and title celebrations were had by the brethern hun brotherhood that night.

I found it hard to disagree wie them.

7 games, 2 victories, 2 draws and 3 lost. 6 goals scored and 4 lost.

April: Bollocks!! was the cry round CP when Motherwell came and recorded a 1-0 victory. A lot shouted for the managers head. Not me. I got pished and tried to forget that we were shit. We were 6 points behind and The Huns had 2 games in hand.

Houdini didnae fancy oor chances of wining the league. I didnae fancy oor chances of winning another game. But, to the middin that is Fir Park and a 4-1 victory against Motherwell started what shall be known as the Barry Robson inspired Houdini magic trick.

Next up was R*ngers, The Huns, Rearangers Scotland's Shame as they brought their brand of anti-football to CP. Barry Robson nailed Christen "I used to be a Tim" Dailly in the first 10 seconds and the tone was set. A Nakamura cracker saw us score oor first goal against The Huns in four attempts, The Green Brigade unfurled a banner at half time (see above) that summed up what a lot of people think of R*ngers, Nacho The Skankmonster Novo scored an undeserved equaliser before Vennegor of Hesslelink scored the winner in the 110th minute.

Remember the scenes after the Donestk game? Well, after defeating Scotland's Shame they were twice as loud and big. Believe was the buzzword.  That goal proved to be the turning point of the season.

We then dispatched Aberdeen 1-0 at home before another meeting wie Scotland's Shame. Must admit, they played as well as I have seen them play at CP for years. For a team that is made up of the sum total of dugs shite (and a few decent players) they had a formula (sponsored by Nytol) and it worked for them. Fair play you play to to your strengths but I dinny have to like it.

We scored first (hint of offside), they scored twice from corners (they widnae score from open play) and then we equalised with a deflected shot. Their was only going to be one winner in the 2nd period, this was mainly due to Scotland's Shame playing their 150th game of the season (if you read the press) as Barry Robson scored the winner from the spot (a spot kick that was outside the box and Scott McDonald dived) to at least gie us some pride back if we ended up wie nothing.

5 games, 4 wins and 1 loss. 10 goals scored and 5 lost.

May: Started of wie Timdom in mourning as the Anti-football of Scotland's Shame got to the UEFA Cup Final. Their hatrid of all things us meant that 1,000,000 travelled to Manchester to try and beat oor Seville total. The outcome and the loathing of all things R*ngers by the whole of Europe due to their tactics (Messi, Mutu both were vocal dissenters) and their behavior off the field (which unlike Barcalona was reported) meant that them getting to the final was worth it.

We then had the farce of Scotland's Shame becoming Rearangers by not asking for a league extension while begging for one behind the scenes and then getting one. This meant we had 10 days between oor 2nd last game and oor final one.

So, to the football. A 2-1 victory away to Motherwell and a 2-0 win against Hibs meant that we needed Rearangers to drop at least two more points. It happened. From being 6 points behind having playe 2 games more we were top of the league on goal difference going into the last game. Houdini was wondering how we did it? We were pointing to Barry Robson, Paul Hartley and Gary Caldwell.

Then the loss that stunned the Celtic family. Tommy Burns lost his fight wie cancer and CP was turned into mass of colour and tributes. The Celtic support mourned for a week then the thoughts turned to winning the league for Tommy.

We did. A 1-0 victory against Dundee Utd ensured it was 3 in a row.

3 games and 3 wins. 5 goals scored and 1 lost.

Overall this was the most statisfying and important league victory since 1998. From being dead and buried in April then winning the last 7 games is typical Celtic. It's a league title that will go down in oor history as summing up everything that is good about oor club.

It's the first time in 40 years we have won 3 titles in a row. This Celtic team will go down in folklore. The club once again have made heroes of men that are proud to wear the Hoops. 

Yes, we had major blips along the way. Yes, we want them sorted for next season as we go for the 4. But let's celebrate the now.

Forza